5 BIZARRE STORIES ABOUT THE ROMANS (PART 1)
1. THEY HAD AN ENERGY DRINK MADE OUT OF GOAT DUNG
(Photo Credit: stearrhealth.blogspot.com)
Romans didn’t have plasters or bandages, they had an alternate way of covering their wounds, both grim and horrifying in equal measure. Goat Dung was their preferred bandage of choice, because smearing animal poo over an open wound is obviously the ideal way of dealing with an injury. If you think that’s heavy though, that wasn’t all they done with goat shite, it was in high demand.
Charioteers would eat it for a quick boost of energy, presumably so they could bail to the toilet as quickly as possible and spew their guts out as soon as they had it. Even the richest men in the land enjoyed a sip of warm goat shit, Emperor Nero purportedly treated himself to a cup of warm goat dung from time to time, which probably goes a long way to explaining the inspiration behind Cafe Nero.
2. OBSCENE ART IN POMPEII
(Photo Credit: Nomadic Matt)
The Romans’ weren’t exactly the cleanest bunch, as we have covered in the early goat dung chronicles. However, there’s some things that archaeologists uncovered that even they kept hidden away. Obscene artwork which wouldn’t look out of place in a Tarantino movie or in the back of a Fake Taxi, such as a painting of a man interfering with a goat, a goat mate, the goats had it rough back then didn’t they. No pun intended. In addition to that, the town was filled with prostitutes, probably the most normal thing there.
The street tiles would have their own special touch of dark imagery. To this day, you can bounce through Pompeii and see a sight Romans used to enjoy on a daily basis —a penis carved into the road with the tip pointing the way to the nearest brothel. Just in case you lost your way like, or in case you got bored drawing pictures of goats and fancied a walk.
3. WOMEN RUBBED THE DEAD SKIN CELLS OF GLADIATORS ON THEIR FACE
(Photo Credit: Healthline)
In Roman times, soap was difficult to find, it was expensive and hard to find, so athletes cleaned themselves by covering their bodies in oil and scraping the dead skin cells off with a tool called a strigil, sounds fun doesn’t it? Usually, the dead skin cells were just launched in the bin, unless you were a gladiator, no chance mate, it was worth dough.
The losing Gladiators would have their skin donated to epileptics as medicine. However, the winner would have his skin and scent bottled and sold to woman as an aphrodisiac. Often, this was worked into a facial cream. Imagine that these
days, your bird or your wife shouting up the stairs asking if you’d seen Conor McGregors skin lying around the house coz she was about to slather it on before a night out, absolute madness mate.
4. THEY WASHED THEIR MOUTHS OUT WITH URINE
(Photo Credit: Gables Sedation Dentistry)
Nothing surprises me anymore with these Romans’ and you know what? I’m happy that empire crumbled mate, because they were rough. If it wasn’t goat dung, or human skin they were flogging, they were casing people for bottles of urine. Urine was big business back then.
There were people who made their living JUST from collecting urine, imagine your da chased people down the road to collect their piss for a living though.
Some would gather it at public urinals, which isn’t weird at all is
it? Others went door-to-door with a massive bucket and asked people to fill it up, which is the last thing you’d need if you were nursing a hangover. They would use it for a variety of things, they would fill a tub full of clothing and pee and dry it out. Heavy.
In some areas, people used urine as a mouthwash, imagine putting urine in your mouth though. Mind you I’ve had a “Shambuca” for £1 in La’go and it wasn’t too far off. It apparently kept their teeth white? According to legend anyway. Someone pass me a toothbrush please, I’ve seen enough.
5. GLADIATOR BLOOD WAS USED AS MEDICINE
(Photo Credit: www.yhwiki.com)
Roman medicine was unusual to say the least. Several Roman historians and authors report people collecting dead gladiators’ blood and selling it as medicine. The Romans believed that gladiator blood cured things such as epilepsy, imagine bouncing into a Wetherspoons and asking for a shot of blood. Others would rip out gladiator’s liver and eat it raw, a far more direct approach, they’d be up shits creek if they done this with mine, it’s about 90% ale.
This particular craze was so popular that when Rome banned gladiatorial combat, the treatment of drinking Gladiators blood continued. Strangely, some Roman physicians actually report that this treatment worked. What they were basing that off I’m not too sure, call me old fashioned but I think I’d rather stick to just drinking water!
Blog was written by Liverpool Comedian Ant Campbell – You can find out more about Ant & his stand up shows on his twitter @acampbell68